Thursday, December 15, 2016

No Baggage Please

I came across this article and it started me thinking about the emotional baggage we all carry for varying reasons.

If you read my book, you will know that I was part of the online dating scene for a number of years. One of the things that I did pause and wonder about when reading the profiles and their requirements in a potential mate, was "no baggage please", this appeared over and over again.  As far as I am concerned, if you are on a dating website, you already have baggage. No one ends up there without having gone through some life experiences; most of which will have left bruises and scars - a.k.a baggage. So, how dare anyone set such a requirement? In fact, if you managed to reach adulthood, even if you are not on a dating website, you probably have some baggage.

Yes, I do agree that we should take steps to unpack our bags and try to travel light. Easier said than done. I think the important first step is to recognized that you have baggage, figure out why and be open about it, at least with those you are close to.

You will have baggage if you:
  • were raised in a strict home, as the article I mentioned above states.
  • were raised in a home where physical abuse was the norm.
  • were raised in a home where no one cared what you did, neglect.
  • have been married and divorced, no matter how 'easy' the break up was, there will be baggage to carry away from that experience.
  • have suffered abused of any sort, either as a child or an adult.
Even if you had a perfect family life growing up, there is a very good chance that school was not perfect. Either teaching staff or fellow students may have caused problems. I know that my school days were only slightly less traumatic than my home life as a child.

The common belief is that if you forgive and forget, you will let go and therefore not have baggage. There is a fine line between being smart enough to learn from experience and forgiving and forgetting. Even forgiving is a lot easier than forgetting. And my question is, is it smart to forget? All living creatures learn from experience, and the survival instinct is still strong; as it should be. A dog that has been abused will cringe if you raise your hand. Anyone who has been a victim of violence will have a similar reaction. Try it with me and you may well find yourself on the floor. It is survival. If you have been beaten or cheated on, is it really that smart to trust again?

Perhaps 'no baggage please' means you want someone who is naive enough to let you get away with whatever it is you want? But all you will get is either someone who has not even faced the fact that they have baggage and so have not tried to deal with it or someone who is prepared to lie, and in the latter case, more fool you to believe it could be possible. Of course, you are going to have baggage, and quite likely it is never going to get fully unpacked.

I found this article very disturbing. 'Violent homes have the same effect on brains of children as combat does on soldiers'.

In a domestic violence situation, the children and the battered adult will suffer not just physical damage, which hopefully will heal without scars, but also emotional damage, much more difficult to recover from. According to this article:
The long term effects of domestic violence have not begun to be fully documented. Battered women suffer physical and mental problems as a result of domestic violence. Battering is the single major cause of injury to women, more significant that auto accidents, rapes, or muggings. In fact, the emotional and psychological abuse inflicted by batterers may be more costly to treat in the short-run than physical injury.
That comes as no surprise, anyone who has watched even one episode of Cops surely has noticed the number of domestic violence calls there are.

This article highlights the fact that emotional abuse is as bad, or worse than physical abuse:
Emotional abuse is often more psychologically harmful than physical abuse, as victims are more likely to blame themselves The road to recovery from emotional abuse is a long one, but the first step is to recognize an emotionally abusive relationship, and get out.
I have experienced both emotional and physical abuse in past relationships, and I support the view that emotional abuse is far more damaging to an adult. I believe that part of the reason may be that it takes a very long time to realize that it is not right and not a healthy relationship; therefore the behavior is experienced for a long period and the damage goes way deeper.

With physical abuse, there is no doubt that it is wrong and the only reason to not get out immediately is the very real fear of retaliation in the way of more extreme violence. For me, it didn't take long for even that to be an insufficient reason. And the baggage I now carry as a result is most definitely a survival mechanism.

So, yes I carry a certain amount of baggage. I am lucky that I found someone who is prepared to help me unpack, and is also prepared to accept his own baggage and accept my help unpacking that.